Ironically the day after I started this blog, a friend came forward (without knowing about this) and said she was molested as a child. I remember her mentioning it in passing once when we were in high school, but it was not something I was talking about. As I think about it now, I wonder if she felt like I wasn't listening, not knowing that I was going through the pain myself. I'm sorry. Sorry I wasn't there for you to lean on, sorry I was in my own pain, and not able to comfort you. Proud of you for the steps you are taking, and the amazing girl you are.
On a family vacation, some members of her family invited the man over to where they were staying, and so after 20 some years she had to face him, and was riddled with anger, fear, and resentment that they would expect her to "just get over it."
I know about forgiveness, and the steps to take to forgive, and it is not something we can "just get over." It is a process, and a life long one at that. It is understanding that WE are not to blame for what happened to us, and knowing that the abuser will have to pay. If not in this life, in the next life. Part of forgiveness is turning it over to the Lord and asking him to take this burden from you. My family still tells me about the boy that raped me, and they expect me to care. Yes, I have forgiven him, but he is one person that I don't want to know what he is doing or where he is in life. I do not want to hear that he is doing great, while the torment he unleashed on me has left such a last mark on my soul. Is it because I have not forgiven? Maybe, there are steps I need to take further to be able to completely forgive, and that is why I write.
Thank you to those who read, and can understand what it is that girls like me go through. There are a lot more of us out there, then you probably think. Stand up, be brave and stop the silence.
For awhile I had thought I had forgiven him and moved on with my life. Then he had brought his car over to where I was staying, I felt so helpless again. I was angry and outraged that my family members would have him drop his car off to where I was staying. So, all my emotions had came back... I had no one to talk to about it... I was outraged but didn't know how to express it. So, I was called a mean person and that no one liked me. That i needed to get over it and that i was petty. I don't understand how people could not realize what I was feeling and what he did to me. I don't understand how someone would tell me to get over it because it was over 20 yrs ago. I had to post it on facebook. I had to see what others thought about it. I was angry. I am still angry. I believe he killed the person I was supposed to be. He ruined me. Now I am fighting back... I called the Mercedes, TX police dept. and went to the Meridian Township police dept. to see if there were reports made. (I want to know why this man got away with killing the child I was.) I will have to wait up to 5 days to see if a report was made. After that I will have to file a report if non was made... I guess I will have to wait to find out. I hope he get's prison time...
ReplyDeleteLilly you're amazing. I too am a survivor of child molestation by my own father. I don't really know when it started but I was in grade school and it continued until I was in High School. I tried to block it by getting involved in many activities. My mother once told me I had brownies/music lessons/religious classes all in one day. And back then children walked to their activities...I like you.....and probably many or most of us started having partners after partners....married/divorced/married/divorced. etc. etc. ugh...always being depressed but nevertheless smiling outside yet dying inside. When my own little girl got molested I almost died. How I survived that I will never know. Only God knows that since He is the one that took care of me at that time. When my little girl told me I immediately took matters in my own hands and did what I thought was right for my family and especially for my little girl. I got the man out of my house immediately. Called the police and protective services. I hated my dad all over again....and never wanted to see him. ugh....and as for my little girl I did my best to make her happy for the rest of her life knowing by experience that this sort of thing never goes away. It always comes back to haunt you when you go through a crisis.....and MORE so when your own little girl is the victim. But like you God sent me a good man that fears God and he has helped me endure the "lows" when I have them. (By the way...when I have one of those lows...I tell him I want to divorce him....cuz all those ugly feelings come back.) I thank God he hasn't left and has faith. I want to thank you for starting this blog. and forgive me for not posting my name. I thought it might be best at this particular time not to. I will in the future. Love you and take care...
ReplyDeleteIt is my opinion that the only ones we need to forgive is ourselves, if we blame ourselves, for being angry, hurt, "weak" or any of the myriad of negative things we feel when we have been victimized. As for the person who perpetrated the crime, well, I feel no need to forgive them
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